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Who am I? Do I still write?

Journal Entry: Sun Aug 31, 2014, 12:40 AM
  • Listening to: Oriental Uno by Beats Antique
  • Reading: Story of B
  • Watching: The Ledge
  • Playing: League of Legends
  • Eating: Grapefruit
  • Drinking: Water

Let me preface this by saying this entry is going to be very, very, very long, and it's 
all about me.

 My name is Merritt. Before I started writing this passage I knew exactly what I wanted 
to say, and then upon starting, completely lost the thrill of it. This is a problem I have 
been having for a very, very long time. As you can see from my account I have a myriad of 
poems and a few short stories, and I haven't written in a very long time, I think it's the 
same problem I described in the last statement.  And I think I know why I have this 
problem, but there is so much more I want to describe about myself first.

 No one has ever asked me to describe myself in three words, but if I was asked, the 
first word would be 'aware.' More specifically, self-aware, and even more accurately, 
"attempts to be self-aware as often as he can." Which means I realize I am not a programmed 
machine perfectly capable of analyzing everything I do, but I try my best to think about 
in-depth of how and why I do the things I do.

 When I think about who I am, the list of words are all synonyms of 'average.' Except, I 
know that I have a degree of intelligence that probably floats just above average. Not that 
I know a lot, which is subjective, but that I can look at a person, or something 
physical, or think about an idea, and I can figure out how it or they work in a way that 
makes sense to me and allows me to accurately describe the intricacies or actual possibilities 
about that thing or what that person is capable of. Lots of people have this ability, and 
I've met some of them who don't have a ton of trivia knowledge, one that couldn't even 
read, people that others would label as dumb when the truth is they might be lazy or lack 
ambition or motivation, but are very intelligent people... I'm digressing.

 My point is, I have a degree of intelligence I consider maybe slightly above average. I 
accept that I could be wrong; I am not prodigal in any sense, so maybe my intelligence is 
actually average and I spend more time focusing on people below and way above average. 
Sure. But until I truly feel that way, I am going to continue to say that I feel I have a 
degree of intelligence that floats just above average.

 Otherwise, like I said before, when I think about who I am to myself, the list of words 
are all synonyms of average. But all of my life, since as far back as I remember, when 
people have really listened to me or have gotten to know me, a lot of the time they're 
surprised to find I am not what they expected (in a good way). I've always just attributed 
it to them noticing that little layer of intelligence that floats above average. But 
recently I've thought about it differently.

 Maybe I feel like I am mostly average because I am mostly average physically. My 
thoughts of being average are based on what I'm capable of compared to my desires. I have 
on many occasions tried to prepare people who have seemed interested in me that I am a very 
boring person. Not in a please-feel-sorry-for-me kind of way, but in a "I feel like I've 
driven off many people because of how non-exciting I am." Is this true? I'm not sure. I 
think about the people who have told me they consider me a friend and go months without 
even saying hello. I think about the women in my life who have never even considered me as 
a potential future mate, and the women who I've felt have taken advantage of me, and the 
people in general who have tried to. I think about all of the people I know and how none of 
them have ever been excited to see me except for my mother (and my recent girlfriend, but I 
am talking mostly about the people I have known for longer).

 The point of saying this isn't to make you feel sorry for me, just that I had decided 
that if it was true that my natural personality hasn't left enough of an impact on people 
that they don't actively seek me.. maybe I'm just boring. I never saw it as a bad thing, I 
saw it has having desires not very many others had. I saw it as my capabilities aren't what 
others are currently interested in. Maybe that would change in the future as fads change, 
but I still liked who I was and I still considered myself to be a good person.

 But that kind of contradicts me saying how people have been surprised at who I am when 
they really listen, but that's what I'm talking about: the things that entertain me, the 
things I like to do, maybe considered boring by others, but who I am and how I feel and 
what I think are completely separate from those activities. I've recently come to realize 
that the things I do are boring, but my emotions, my ideas, my thought patterns and 
processes, how I understand things, how I feel about certain circumstances and situations, 
thoooooose are the things that people have found interesting and not boring.

  And for the record, I have thought about why I feel I am boring to others. The best I 
could come up with is.. after a rough break up years and years ago, I didn't want to risk 
my emotions again, so I found multiple hobbies and things to do to distract and entertain 
only myself. At the time, my 'friends' all lived together under one roof. If I wanted to 
spend time with them, I had to go over there myself (which I did), but otherwise would be 
left out of invitations of parties and get-togethers. Their logic was it was easier for me 
to make periodic visits and ask about their monthly plans, than for them to send a text or 
make a call and invite me. So I felt left out a lot, and after years of just doing for 
myself, I kind of couldn't remember what exactly people did together. If I was going on a 
date sure dinner, a movie, the classic things weren't lost on me.. but otherwise I would 
just have to be up for doing whatever they wanted to do, which I've found in my area makes 
me boring. Because the women (again! in MY area! This might be different for you guys in 
other places) wants to be surprised or impressed by the maybe creative or romantic things 
I'm willing to come up with to do to share with them.. which sounds great except I'd lost 
what people liked to do together. I'd spent a lot of time alone. I'd have to convince them 
to tell me what they liked, and that killed a lot of potential magic for them.

 Mentally though, I have come to realize I'm not actually boring. I entertain myself with 
video games and movies because they were cheap and easy ways of distraction and pleasure, 
it would make a very boring life to read about, but the ideas and concepts I come up with 
make me feel like a completely different person than the one people (who know me) know 
about. Those poems in my account, those short stories, all of them are snippets of emotion 
and ideas that I had found words to express them with. Maybe some of them are flat to you, 
maybe some of them evoke emotion. Lots of them do have to do with love because of what I 
was going through, but not all of them or even most of them, my account here on dA is the 
only physical example I have of the different kinds and types of ideas and concepts I have 
that express just how creative and full of thought I am. I have day dreams all of the time, 
usually about stories I aspire to write or see made into film one day. I am so full of 
concepts and ideas that it's almost depressing how I haven't taken the time to get them out 
on to any type of medium, even if only to have physical evidence of their existence. I 
have deep, vivid dreams at night, practically every night, that can completely shape the way 
I feel for months at a time, that can give way to new ideas and give new perspective on 
philosophies that I would never have been able to find otherwise. Going to bed at night and 
waking up the next day can completely change how I feel about subjects as small and 
specific as what kind of water should I drink, to huge, giant issues like whether or not I 
really believe in God. I have emotionally faced my own mortality in dreams that have seemed 
so real, that sometimes I get real, crippling bouts of paranoid fears that reality is just 
a dream we haven't woken up from. And I want to reiterate that I know I am not the most 
creative, or the most of anything or the best of anything. Just that, this attribute of 
mine is how I realized why people in my life have been surprised at the things I've said or 
talked about when recently I have felt so average and boring.

 Going back to the beginning of this. I think I know why I have this problem with writing 
my stories that I've had for a very long time. This problem of being excited to get my ideas 
out on a physical medium, and then losing the thrill the moment I sit down to actually do 
it. It feels like a chore, it is a chore. It feels like work I don't want to do. So why do 
I feel excited, and like I really REALLY want to do something, when I also feel like I 
don't want to do it? The answer is: it's hard to explain my emotions.

 I am a very emotional person. Outwardly, I don't express them very often. I have been 
told that I seem emotionless, or cold.. Just the other day actually, while I was being 
taught something new at work, I told my boss I was overwhelmed and her response was, 
"Really? This is you overwhelmed?" because she couldn't read it. I am not a master of 
deception or anything, I just keep my emotions to myself generally. I'm working on this, 
but to me it's like opening or closing a dam. Either you're going to hold all of the water 
back, or you're going to hold none of it back (maybe that's not how dams work, but that's 
what I'm imagining), and I don't like feeling like a burden when I express my emotions.
I also feel the reason I don't express my emotions very much is because that while 
everyone wants other people to be interested in them, I wanted it bad enough that when I 
felt no one was interested enough to ask me questions, to actively try to get information 
about myself or my stories for their personal interest, I refused to fish for the interest. 
Another reason is because sometimes I felt my opinion or emotion was important enough to be 
known, regardless of interest, that after being shut down multiple times in my life I 
stopped speaking up for myself. And, for the record, everyone gets ignored in their life. 
Everyone gets shut down. The general rule is to not let it affect you, ignore their 
attempts and try again. I wasn't ignored or shut down any more than the average person, but 
again, I'm a very emotional person. I remember my emotions far better than I remember most 
other things, and they affect me enough that I actively avoid feeling the bad ones.   
Example, until recently I felt I had a very rare behavior: when I develop a crush on 
someone, I will actively avoid that person. Generally, people try to talk to and get to 
know their crush, or if they have social anxiety they might be more passive by sending 
anonymous gifts, or even (creepily) watching their crush from afar as often as they felt 
comfortable to. While I am not afraid of being rejected, I am afraid of the despair brought 
on when someone I feel so strongly about (a crush) eventually rejecting me. I can go up to 
someone I find attractive and ask them out, risking the rejection and be fine with it, but 
never will I even entertain the thought of getting involved with someone I have such strong 
initial feelings for before I even know who they are. We can talk about that privately, if 
you wish, because people have challenged those statements. While I am not claiming to have 
the most intense, unbearable emotions, they have been made enough of a problem that I've 
shaped certain behaviors around them.

   And the point of me saying any of this is that my emotions are intense and real enough to 
me, that they help me empathize, they help me interpret situations, they help me intuit 
circumstances. My emotions help me write stories, they're deep and profound enough that, 
like many people will tell you (and you probably feel this way too) I have a very hard time 
articulating them. The biggest frustration I have with communicating with another human 
being is any time I feel strongly about something regardless of how positive or negative it 
is, I will lose my ability to articulate the emotion. Words can seem to be so shallow and 
mean so little that I will opt to just forget about the whole conversation: if I can't 
express myself accurately I don't want to express myself at all. (Digressing) I think 
that's why I like to swear so much. My emotions are so strong, that merely emphasizing a 
syllable or word or raising my voice isn't enough, a brand new word needs to be added, 
emphasized, and be loud enough or else I don't feel like I've captured how I've felt (end 

 My ideas, my concepts, my stories usually incorporate emotions or feelings I haven't had 
a meaningful enough discussion about with another person, if at all. Sometimes those emotions
are thebasic structure for why the idea or story even exists, other times it's just a feeling I
want to add to a story I've already thought up as a gem to add quality to the read. But even
in all of it's intricacies and synonyms, whether or not through my own ignorance and own
mental shortcomings, language (the English one, at least) has failed to give me the proper words
to satisfyingly describe how I feel at times. When I sit down to write a story, the frustration
I've faced with trying to accurately express the emotion I have attached to the scene
has made writing these stories irritate me. But the thought of me dying tomorrow and
no one ever having read my creations because I never took the time to write them, regardless
of if they're generally thought of as good or bad stories, gives me a negative feeling I am having
a hard time describing in words at the moment.

 So there's some insight about who I am. I am mostly average, I am not important enough 
to know about yet. Though at the moment of this writing I don't seek fame, maybe one of my 
stories will become nationally or globally loved and I'll become important enough to know 
about. In any case, I feel like I needed to have this written down. Maybe for the relief of 
not having to stumble over trying to describe myself to someone new, if that someone new 
wants to know more deeply about who I am. Maybe when I'm feeling down I'll use it as a pick 
me up. Maybe I believe I have affected some of you enough that reading this did interest 
you. In any case, I'm done now. I am going to make real attempts in the near future to write my



This is a list of books I've read. If I've read a series, I'll group the books up by that series.


Jim Butcher:

[[[Dresden Files series:
-----Storm Front
-----Fool Moon
-----Grave Peril
-----Summer Knight
-----Death Masks
-----Blood Rites
-----Dead Beat
-----Proven Guilty
-----White Night
-----Small Favor
-----Turn Coat]]]


Dean Koontz:

.: By the Light of the Moon
.: Dragon Tears
.: The Face
.: The Face of Fear
.: From the Corner of His Eye
.: The Good Guy
.: Hideaway
.: The Husband
.: Life Expectancy
[[[Odd Thomas series:
----------Odd Thomas
----------Forever Odd
----------Brother Odd
----------Odd Hours
----------In Odd We Trust]]]
.: Relentless
.: Strangers
.: Twilight Eyes
.: Velocity


Michael Scott:

[[[The Alchemyst series:
-----The Alchemyst
-----The Magician
-----The Sorceress
-----The Necromancer]]]


Other Authors:

.: House and Philosophy (by William Irwin and Henry Jacoby)
.: Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar (by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein)

Premium Membership Donations

These are the users I've donated Premium Memberships to (or that I donated the value of a subscription in points, even if that's not what the points were ultimately used for). Some because their art was so great I felt the need to promote their site, some because they won a contest or kiriban, and others because of a commission. Either way, here's my fantastically organized list. I actively go ahead and remove any account that has been deactivated or banned, which does detract from the quantity of subscriptions I've actually given, but I feel the list is more appreciated when current users are displayed exclusively. Check them out!


:iconmirkand89: :iconsans-sommeil: :iconphilosophersbane:

{:iconthekawaiiseeall:} ~Merry Christmas

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{:iconthe-cowboy-smuggler:} ~Merry Christmas

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:iconaaronjjenkins: :iconinfernalservant: :iconwhackojako: :iconteardownthefence: :iconmr-wat: :iconbreisanerd: :iconcity-lights-sparkle: :iconlurkingspork: :iconinternalcure: :iconlizzieunjustified: :iconkatrinakuchiki::iconkronnoss: :iconreeno-alchemist: :iconkisskiss64: :iconfire-spirited: :icondreamfox:

{:iconwhittykitty: :iconsedna713: :iconsurpysoup:} ~Merry Christmas

:iconmsplendens: :iconinnocentgoddess: :icondemonue: :iconfire-spirited: :iconfluffylink: :iconthewanderer-chan: :iconalpha-bane: :iconcamelliaruth:



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"Darkness behind closed eyes was more familiar to Dim and even if he logically knew that opening his eyes would again reveal darkness...", do you recall where that comes from? I bet you do.
So...what about more? I really love that line man. Really inspirational!
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